| 6th September , Moreton in Marsh Show, The quintessential county show with everything from lap-dancing in the WI tent to sheep dog trials (the jury's been rigged, they're going down - quite unlike the good ladies of the WI, thank you Matron). The weather's always great and you can rub shoulders with the simple country folk who live their traditional centuries old lives in this beautiful part of the Cotswolds untouched by modern fripperies: Local yokels include such bumpkins as Jeremy Clarkson, Liz, Hurley, Laurence Llewelyn Bowen, Mike Tindell with the fragrant Zara, Rory Bremner and that scrawny one with the squint from The Weakest Link. Et in arcadia Ego. |
| 13th September, Coleshill Local Food Festival, A lovely day out in the gardens and grounds of this fantastic National Trust property in Wiltshire. Having been there two year's running I fully expect that we'll be next to the diesel tanks again, so pop round for a fill up and we'll do you a deal on some great oils while we check the indicators are topped up and the ashtrays are set to smoulder. |
| 19th-21st September, Goodwood Revival, The Festival of Speed may be Nirvana for the true petrol head - bump starting Babs and actually touching the 200hp Darracq of Algie Guinness - Oh Joy! Oh Bliss! Oh Toot Toot! - But to really experience motor sport at its absolute zenith, and while wearing a cheese cutter, braces and suzzies for period effect, then this is the absolute cat's pyjamas. Okay I'll be in the titfer but I'm hopeful for some 50's lovely to provide the stockings.
This time we're not selling, we're soaking in the atmos and revelling in the heady scent of Bay Rum and Castrol R. Topping the guest list is the infamous long time hippy and dessert racer (not a typo Madam, he does the 100yard dash carrying a syllabub) Ricardo Diablo Del Monte-Peches, lately of Dana Point CA. The man of whom Jackie Onassis once said, "Who?" and whose reputation is such that many members of the VSCC still refer to him as "that bastard who owes me twenty five quid." We will be there and we will be square; upholstered almost entirely in paisley and thorn proof tweed with a smattering of moleskin and a modest soupcon of cavalry twill towards the impeccably upholstered extremities; we will be as a cloned pairing of the young Icarus; racing towards the fashionistas' white heat of perfection ...........................................................................................Just a little less coffee before we write the next show entry, Darling, and, maybe, we'll up the mogadon in the herbal tea before he says goodnight, eh Matron? |
| 21st September, Country House Car Boot Sale, In need of a brace of moose's heads or a half hundred yard's worth of family silver? Send your staff down to Stowell Park in God's Own Glocs for a bit of serious car (Bentley thank you Reg) booting. Rub shoulders or any protruding dangly bits with the bluest blood in Gloucestershire and buy some super oil while you're at it. Oh yes, all in aid of the NSPCC, so your proletarian cred is all still intact. Hark Forrard and Tally Bally Ho!!!!!!!! |
| 23rd-24th September, Army Benevolent Fund Early Early Christmas Fair, Bring Your Saracen tank down to Tidworth Barracks in Wiltshire to stock the larders, sorry ammunition lockers, full of great Christmas gifts and some lovely oils and spices with a side order of depleted uranium cous cous. Everything you need for the James Blunt in your life - now that is an extraordinary rendition - including holidays in the sun (Basra) and exciting adventure weekends (Afghanistan). Licquorice Allsort Darling? |
| 30th September, RDA Fair, Haven't been there before but it's being organised by a friend of Lindy Kilmaine of Ragley Hall fame so it should be a good 'un. Besides it's all in aid of Riding for Disabled which is so worthwhile you could almost go to the fair and just give them the money. Instead, call me crazy, you could turn up and buy something, then everyone's happy, especially us if it's some lovely oil. Put Hillfields Farm in your TomTom and see where you end up, Poland probably - personally I use a map, thanks Vasco. |
| 2nd October, The Rotherwick Gift Fair, A really lovely, proper village fair in the village hall, attended by people from the village. So a local fair for local people then and no place for no-tails such as you, eh Tubbs? All together now: "Welease Wotherwick Centurian." At least Freddie will find that funny..... |
| 8th-9th October , Asthma Gift Fair, Buy such lovely stuff at this great fair at the rather plush Hurlingham Club in Fulham, that you make your loved ones reach for the salbutomol in delight. Plus a side order of the dry sardonics from David Farquar of smoked game and fish fame. It being inside you can pass on the woolly hat and order up a pound of foreign climes from the waiter. Joy! |
| 14th-15th October , Wirral Bazaar 2008, A great show run by some really lovely un-orange people, despite being in Cheshire, twinned with Ulster. This year we will definitely not be turning up late having had a puncture in a trailer with no spare. Nor will we be running over the esteemed club member's best flower pots with the aforementioned trailer. But we will definitely be accepting the kind invitation to crash with a member of the committee; very obliging dear: Move over a bit love, your husband's sleeping on my leg.... |
| 21st October, Marie Curie Cancer Care Autumn Bazaar, Join us at Uttoxeter Racecourse - don't worry we're under the stands - courtesey of the lovely Meynall & South Staffs Hunt. Hark Forrard and my old man's a Baronet, etc. Put your best Otis Ferry forward for some great Christmas gifts and larder-stocker-uppers. Charlie's usually at this one too, so we'll see if the smoking ban is having any effect whatsoever - I have my doubts.... |
| 31st Oct - 1st Nov, Ultimate Christmas Food Fair - Cobalt Appeal Fund, A great fair in the most lovely surroundings of Rendcomb College between Cirencester and Cheltenham. Plus its all in aid of the Cobalt Appeal Fund, which is a bit like Kryptonite, cool. Come quite late on the first evening when Timmy will be absolutely swimming in champagne - God willing George is doing the waitressing again - and you can get a real bargain because he can't add up. Don't tell Lulu though. |
| 1st & 2nd November , Mendip Christmas Fair - Bristol Children's Hospital and Children's Hospice, A really great show in a truly stunning location. If you can survive the giddiness caused by the drive to the Lakewood Conference centre in Blagdon, you'll need some serious retail therapy to contemplate your return. Unless you live in Blagdon of course, in which case we're jolly jealous of the view. Handbrakes are required. |
| 11th-14th November , Mary Howard Christmas Fair - Hullavington Ai, The daddy of all sales; an instant department store in a cavernous aircraft hanger, just crammed full of all the goodies you could possibly want. Forget Oxford Street, just troll down to J16 and head north. You park on the runway and Mary lays on a fleet of buses to take you and your swag back and forth. Just follow the yellow signs that start somewhere near John O'Groats. Lovely. |
| 19th & 20th November, Wincanton Christmas Fair, A great shopping event, superbly organised (it says here) by the ever fragrant Mary Staib. So something along the lines of an early St Trinians then? Can't wait! |
| 25th & 26th November, Mary Howard Christmas Sale - Sandown Park, A great show in a great location. Join the local WAG population in a bit of serious shopping. I met the seriously tiny Valerie Singleton last year; a boyhood dream fulfilled! Not like Ranulf backstage at the panto last Christmas; honestly his mood swings are so sudden: one minute he's feeling Happy, then he came all over Grumpy! (In Memoriam - Humph) |
| 28th-30th November, Presents Galore - Rowley Mile, If you can avoid getting lost on the huge Newmarket Racecourse site this is a superb shopping venue in the run up to Christmas and all in aid of the wonderful Macmillan Cancer Support - really lovely people - It can be a bit blustery so bring a brolly and tie your hat down with a scarf. Although come to think of it there is a stand that does a surprisingly brisk trade in second hand hats and brollies on the day. Strange that. |
| 3rd December , East Sussex Hospices Charity Fair, A lovely show at The South of England Showground in Ardingly, so all under cover with no nasty marquees to fill with rain and blow away. Also jolly handy for the ever lovely Ian and Sarah who will fill Timmy up with vino and excellent nosh: send phone numbers for invitations to supper, I'm sure they won't mind. |
| 25th December, CHRISTMAS!, Family under standing orders to repair aboard the good ship Villars for family Christmas. No excuses, boyfriends or previous engagements accepted. Stockings on beds for Santa by 2200 of 24th inst and carols with Bee & David. Timmy & Lulu to be passed out from vast intake of sprouts and vino approx 2000 0'clock yoho standard hours. All horses, dogs and children to fend for selves for next twelve hours of glorious sleepage. Happy Christmas all. |
lovely stuff happy people |
